Birthday, With A Side Of Cancer
Today is my birthday
Cancer changes just about everything. When you are first told about your diagnosis, you naively imagine a future of your normal routine with a side of cancer. But once you get into it, it’s really cancer with a side of normalcy. Even when the logistics of your day isn’t interrupted with phone calls from doctors, appointments or treatment side effects, your brain does enough work to battle between reminding you of your cancer and trying to forget as to embrace the life you have while you have it.
Today is my birthday. It’s the first one since my diagnosis and though I knew it wouldn’t feel quite like the 32 ones prior, I didn’t expect the emotion it evoked. I sat staring out my bedroom window and through the trees, saw a small deer laying in the forest. Alone and seemingly content, the sun hitting the back of him. I smiled at this unassuming moment and to my surprise, tears began to run down my face. I sat on the floor, continuing to look at the deer and allowing the emotion to arise.
Would this birthday be my last?
These types of thoughts are not entirely new. Having cancer automatically forces you to look straight into the eye of your own mortality. It’s part of the cancer package. So I shouldn’t have been surprised that a birthday, a day that denotes your time on Earth, shook this fear forward.
The health and the longevity of my life was not something I would have imagined worrying about on a day to day basis in my early 30s. I think most of us who are healthy, don’t give it much thought. We assume a level of guarantee. But I am here to tell you that it is not guaranteed and each day we are allowed is a precious gift.
For my birthday wish, I want to stay here. I want to continuously look out my window to moments that make you slow down for years to come. And though I didn’t imagine I’d be crying about my fear of mortality on my birthday this soon, I push myself to find the gratitude.
For the last 33 years.
For my family.
For my friends.
For my dog.
For the ability to love and be loved.
It won’t be your last birthday! In a sense, cancer forces you to slow down and treasure your time while you still have your youth 😀
That’s really how I feel!
“But once you get into it, it’s really cancer with a side of normalcy.” Also, so true!
“The cancer package” is a great way to describe it. I reference it as my cancer goggles because it changed how I viewed my normal world. Enjoying the little moments was a welcomed side effect.