Can't Slow This Train

A battle of the mind and choices that can't be undone

As I inched closer to the second surgery and the number of needles needed to complete IVF lessened, my anxiety rose. This surgery would be the first time I faced a physical change that could not be undone. And though the logical side of my brain understood there wasn’t a choice in the matter if I wanted to live a long life, the weight of this change was heavy on my mind.

Change is inevitable and constant. Most of the time it shows itself through choices we make. Those choices can be as large as deciding to marry the person you love, to as small as switching up your usual running route. It’s weaved into our day to day and most of the time, we can look within ourselves quickly for the answer. But sometimes, it weighs heavy because we begin to decipher the ‘what if’s.’ Our minds create a mental Venn diagram of pros and cons to each choice. It works to predict the outcomes down the road and the larger the outcome, the scarier that choice becomes. My brain began to look at the cons of losing my reproductive system at such a young age and play that ‘what if’ game.

What if I can beat the cancer without the surgery?

What if something bad happens because I no longer produce estrogen in my body this young?

What if I develop osteoporosis and it dramatically impacts my quality of life?

What if I kept my uterus to carry children and my cancer didn’t come back after treatments?

The ‘what if’s’ felt endless but no matter how many times I circled the questions that would never be able to be known without seeing the future, they didn’t compare to the one that hovered like a dark cloud:

What if you die from making the wrong choice?

We don’t get to be privy to what our future holds. I’d imagine life would look drastically different if we had an ability to avoid mistakes. To have the knowledge of our decisions and outcomes would provide us with a sense of control that would ease fear. But knowing the future would also strip us from the human experience. If our outcomes were predetermined and known to us, our sense of wonder and curiosity would fade making us feel helpless to what lies ahead.

So, I release control. I do my best to make choices that feel right with the information I have in front of me. I hope for a long and happy life but acknowledge that it’s not guaranteed. I do my best with what is thrown at me in this life and I know that no matter what comes of it, I can be proud of my ability to navigate through. These choices will likely be the largest and hardest ones I make in this human experience and all I can do is trust I am on the right path.

Surgery #2, here I come.

Always by my side through all these choices <3